Retail News and Projectile Events of the Week

When I asked the manager of one of my favorite regular restaurants what was new, he told me that the highlight of his week had been when a little girl had projectile vomited into his face. It was one of those stories that was horrifying and hysterical at the same time. I wanted to empathize or sympathize, but the story was so horrific that all I could do was shake my head hold my hand over my mouth to stifle the laughter.

The world of retailing must feel like it's had one of those weeks too. Or is it one of those years?

The U.S. Commerce Department told us this week that retail sales declined in September twice as much as anybody predicted.

Then the mall watching company, Shopper Trak, told us that last week's sales decline was twice as bad as the whole month of September had been. How could it be any other way when 9% fewer people even bothered to drive to the mall?

The U.S. Census Bureau told us that electronics and appliance store sales beat out the malls, in terms of decline percentage, that is. (Counting people is hard work for the census bureau, so now they focus more on counting flat screen TVs. It makes for much shorter work days.)

The National Retail Federation thought this would be a good week to tell us the results of their Holiday Consumer Intentions and Actions Survey. Their conclusion? People will spend barely more than they did last year and the retail holiday season does not look ho-ho-hopeful.

Build-a-Bear lost $2 million last quarter. eBay reported the first quarterly decline in sales in the company's history. Southwest Airlines lost money for the first time in 17 years. Linens 'n Things is liquidating itself. The QE2 left New York for its last voyage before it becomes a floating hotel in Dubai. Joe the Plumber is rubbing elbows instead of snaking sinks.

It's an economy gone wild, but not in a spring-break-show-off-for-the-video-camera kind of way. It's enough to make anyone in the retail industry want to wash the news off their face in the nearest public restroom like my manager friend Shane had to do. But then what happens after the scrub down? We will all return to work and finish our day, our week, our month, and our year. What else is there to do?

Well, there is always chocolate. Hershey's third quarter profits were up 98%. And don't forget beer. Anheuser Busch is set to report double digit pre-tax profits next week. Of course, there's always drugs. Sales of migraine medication Topamax are up 19%. And, when the economy gets tough, the tough can always go out for a cigarette break. The Global Tobacco Index performed much better than the S&P did in the third quarter.

Collectively we just shake our head, and put our hand over our mouth to hide our reaction. The line between tragedy and comedy is getting thinner every day.